HeatherRae

2006-12-10T21:48:00.000-05:00

I'm sick of it.

So the other day I decided the bathroom was in dire need of a scrub-down. I grabbed my weapons of choice and went to work. Can someone please explain to me why I was completely whipped and out of breath after only scrubbing the shower? Is that not pathetic? So, I've had it. I'm not a particularly big girl by any means; maybe 125 or 130 pounds, tops. I sit on my ass all day at work then come home only to park it in front of the tube. Then, just to mix things up a little, at around 10 or 11pm, I go into my bedroom and lay down for a few hours. And thus the cycle repeats itself every 24 hours.
Today (Sunday), I went outside only once and that was to get the mail (that I forgot to grab on Saturday). And do you know that I didn't even walk to the mailbox, I drove?! I'm tired all of the time. The smallest things poop me out.
I have a gym membership (have had it for, geez, I dunno, 4 or 5 years). For the first couple of years, I was really good about going. I'd go to the gym at least four times a week. I felt so good and looked pretty good too. But, the last couple of years, I've kinda let it slip. I can go months without going to the gym and then go a couple of times and then slack off again (lather, rinse, repeat).
My body is starting to kinda, well, sag. Of course I've heard all the crazy old ladies telling their crazy stories, but I never really believed them. I tried to explain to one of my girlfriends what I'm going through. I told her that my ass has fallen at least two inches (it really has). She just laughed at me and told me I was crazy (as usual). But it really has dropped two inches(if not more). My thighs are definately shorter and my back is much longer. If I had known that this was going to happen, I would have taken a picture of my backside a couple of years ago so that I could prove it now! I had a sales girl point out to me a couple of months back that I actually should be wearing short, not regular length, pants. And she was right. I tried on the short pants and they fit perfectly. My ass has fallen two inches and my legs are now shorter.
Anyway, getting back to the subject, I am going to the gym this week. I'm absolutely going to do it. This is ridiculous. I don't want to promise that I'm going tomorrow. Setting goals too high just leads to failure and a box of cookies downed in less than an hour. So the goal is to get to the gym at least once before weeks end. It's just ridiculous. I can't even clean the shower without having to lay down to rest.

2006-12-10T19:13:00.000-05:00

Cookie Time!!

Sugar Cookie Cut-Outs

1 pkg (8 oz.) cream cheese, softened
3/4 cup (1-1/2 sticks) butter, softened
1 cup granulated sugar
2 tsp vanilla
2-1/4 cups flour
1/2 tsp baking soda

Preheat oven to 350 F. Beat cream cheese, butter, sugar, and vanilla in large bowl with mixer on medium speed until well blended. Add flour and baking soda; mix well. Cover and refrigerate for approximately 30 minutes.

Roll dough to 1/8-inch thickness on lightly floured surface. Cut into assorted shapes with cookie cutters. Place on greased baking sheets. Bake for 10-12 minutes or until edges begin to brown. Transfer cookies to cooling rack and let cool completely before decorating.

I haven't tried this recipe yet, so I don't know how good it is. It was given to me a few months back and I've been meaning to make a batch.

2006-05-21T12:37:00.000-04:00

Much like the countless others who create/have blogs, I completely forgot about mine for a few months. Oh well. The goal going forward is to post at least every 1-2 weeks. So here's what's going on with me:

I just finished Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code this morning. I had a really hard time getting through this book. Unlike everyone else on the face of this planet, I wasn't overly impressed with it. I thought the theories and codes were pretty interesting, though. I really didn't care for the characters, dialog or the general pace of the book. I was particularly annoyed with the Brown's attempts to link Langdon and Neveu romantically. I think the story could have benefitted with leaving that part out. So now the movie is out (which is kinda why I read the book, plus all of the hype it was getting) and I'm thinking I'm going to wait to see it on DVD or maybe even at the discount movie theater, maybe.

I also purchased $80 worth of yarn to start a new knitting project. I debated for a couple of days before I ordered it (Noro). I have never spent so much for a knitting project before. It's for Knitty's "Clapotis." This is actually the first thing that I've knitted for myself in a long time, say years. I'm always knitting something and it's always for someone else. I really like the pattern and wanted yarn that would really show it off. So, I splurged. Now I need to find another pattern to work on to tide me over until the yarn gets here...

http://knitty.com/ISSUEfall04/PATTclapotis.html

What else, what else... hmmmmm.... I guess I can't think of much else. As far as the posts for January go, I'm doing much better and am kinda enjoying being single again. I can honestly say that I'm not in any big hurry to start dating again. Who knows, maybe this is how it's supposed to be for me, single with some pets. I'm warming up to the idea. :)

2006-01-21T10:34:00.000-05:00

The last couple of days have just kinda flown past. I went to a job interview Thursday night and got hired on as a customer service representative. I was amazed at how relaxed the entire process was. I was at the company's openhouse. Most of the other applicants didn't even have resumes. My interviewer didn't even look at mine! I was interviewed for maybe 10 minutes and hired. Yesterday, the interviewer sent me a proposed work schedule. It's pretty much going to eat up any free time that I have, but that's okay I guess. I e-mailed her back to accept the schedule. I'm just waiting to hear back for my start date.

My ex sent me an e-mail to let me know that he had some mail for me. I asked to pick it up next weekend. He suggested that I come to get it this Sunday after 3 o'clock. This kinda bothers me. Why the set time on a Sunday? Is he seeing someone and that's when he estimates that they will be out of bed and she will be out the door by that time? Oh well, it's not my business anymore, right? So I e-mail him back and tell him that I've started a second job and will not be able to pick up the mail 'till next weekend. Yes, I suppose I said that to lay a little bit of a guilt-trip on him. But hey, he deserves it and it wasn't a complete lie. He e-mails me back asking for my address so that he can mail me the stuff. I haven't responded back yet. I'm having some mixed feelings on this. First of all, I'm a little hurt that he's offering to mail my things as opposed to me coming to pick them up. I figure if I'm coming to pick the stuff up, there's the chance that we might actually talk. I really would like to talk to him and get a chance to find out what's going on or what his plans are concerning this "break." Half of me would like to keep up a relationship with him and half of me isn't sure yet. Either way, I would like to know if we're officially through or not. Another thought that's run across my mind is that I give him my address and he actually shows up at my door. My lie about having to work will be foiled and I'll look like an ass.

On a brighter note, I bought my David Sedaris ticket today and am so exited to see him. The show isn't for another couple of months, but I can't wait. I needed something to look forward to!

While I was looking for a picture of David, I found out that his sister is Jerri from "Strangers with Candy." Why couldn't I have been born into their family?!!!

2006-01-18T21:44:00.000-05:00

This is kinda cool...

2006-01-18T21:16:00.000-05:00

What a day, what a day. Well, we got some snow today. I actually had to break out the ice-scraper. I had a heck of a time even getting my car doors open. They were frozen shut. So I head out on my way to work and traffic is super bad. I did a half-assed job scraping the ice and snow off of my car, so I'm relying on my rear-window defroster to clear my view for the back window. I'm half-way to work and the rear window is still blocked by ice and snow. I'm thinking that there must be something wrong with the defroster. All of my other windows are clear at this point. Why isn't the snow on the back window melting? And then it dawns on me. The snow and ice on the back window has melted afterall. The reason I can't see out of the back window is because my trunk is open. Yeah, the ice and snow that I thought was covering the window is actually covering the lid to my trunk. And did I mention that I'm already on the freeway when I notice this? Did I mention that I still haven't completely cleaned out the trunk since the move. No biggie, the only thing in there is my STEREO with all of it's SPEAKERS. My God, I had completely forgotten about them. Luckily, nothing was lost. I got the trunk closed and continued on my merry way to work. I made it there about 10 minutes late. Oh and did I mention that the office is celebrating my 5th year with the company today? Yes, it was a perfect day to come in late. That Heather, she's a real asset to the company. She's a real go-getter. We'll be expecting great things from her.

Shortly after I get to work, our building loses power for about an hour and a half. I work for about an hour after that and then go out to lunch with my supervisor and the rest of the department. For my fifth year, I got a nice little silver pen, a certificate, and this little catalog to pick a gift from. One of the gifts in the catalog is a gold bracelet with the company name on it. Are you kidding me? I think I'll pick the navy blue travel bags.

Tomorrow I am planning on going to a hiring open house and an interview after work. Both positions are customer service oriented. I've done customer service before and think that it would be an easy thing to do part-time. Wish me luck!

My ex e-mailed me today to let me know that he has a pile of mail for me to pick up. That was it, that was all the e-mail said. I e-mailed him back to see if next weekend would be okay for me to stop by and get it. Still waiting on a response...

2006-01-16T12:22:00.000-05:00

I must say, as I'm watching it for the millionth time, that Angels in America is by far one of my favorite movies. Just thought that I'd let everyone know that.

Oh, and Belize is my favorite character. So now you know.

2006-01-15T19:06:00.000-05:00

It's been a pretty good weekend. I got out some yesterday. The art museum was running a Renoir exhibit and this weekend was the last weekend to see it. I went in for the earliest showing and was greeted by a whole horde of other people. The line was long but well worth it. Of the Renoir exhibit I got to see Madame Henroit and Two Girls at the Piano, but my favorite was a portrait of Marie Zelie Laporte. Unfortunately, I can't seem to find a picture of it online...

So after that, I decide to go furniture shopping since I have none and my butt is starting to get mighty sore from sitting on the floor. I've had a set budget in mind for both a couch and a chair or loveseat. I'm trying to budget all of my major purchases since I have so many to get (couch, washer & dryer, t.v.). Needless to say, I not only went over my budget, but managed to blow it by buying a sofa and chair set that was twice the budget. Oh well, it's no worse than what I would have spent just to run a bar at the wedding reception. To top it off, as my order is being written up for the furniture, the girl sitting next to me is talking with her mother and aunt about her wedding plans. She was in the store purchasing a new living room set for her and her hubby-to-be. Just fabulous. I felt a little jealous of her. Someone proposed to her and is actually following through. It must be nice. I don't get it. What makes her so desirable and me so dispensable?

Today, I was visited by my first friend in the new place. I'm glad she called. I was starting to feel a little lonely. She told me about how things are going kinda rocky at her job. She said that she was a little worried about possibly being laid-off. She started talking about her bills and how she had just gotten caught up on them and how her company's take-over may throw a huge wrench into her finances. I know what's coming. This friend is always having money problems. This friend is always looking for someone to help her out. A few years ago, I would do everything I could to help her. But the pay-back process was slow and, on a couple of occasions, not at all. I was recently promoted a few months ago and she knows that I'm doing pretty well financially, or at least better than she is. I'm not going to put myself into this situation with her again. She drops several hints but doesn't ask for help (loan) outright. I tell her that if I were in her shoes, I'd start socking money away now in case of the worst. I offer to help her with her resume and even look at the job postings within my company. She seems only half interested and we end up not looking at her resume at all. Hey, I see no need to stick my neck out for someone and try to help them when they're not willing to help themselves. We end up going out to dinner, which I pay for and she covers the tip. It wasn't exactly an expensive tab, so I shouldn't complain. I'm grateful for the company and I guess I should leave it at that.

I am starting to feel lonely, but happy at the same time. I'm certainly happy to be back in Columbus. It is certainly bigger and not nearly as rural as where I was living with my ex. I'm kind of unsure as to whether I miss my ex or just miss living with someone. I've been thinking a great deal about my feelings for him. Since I'm not completely sure if we are through or not (since he never really gave me a clear explanation of "taking a break") I've been trying to figure out what is the best course for me to take should he ask to speak with or see me again. I've been debating if he and I were even right for each other. There was so much that I truly loved and appreciated about him and so much that we just didn't see eye to eye on, some things of which were pretty key issues for me. How much of myself would I be willing to compromise to make things work between he and I if he asked for me back? In a way, I kinda wish that he has found someone else or decided for certain that he isn't interested in relationship with me. At least that way the decision is made for me. Who knows. Maybe this is already the case and he's too preoccupied with his new girlfriend to call me up and tell me it's over permanently.

I'm also having trouble keeping the "I'm going to be a spinster" thoughts at bay. I suppose this is ridiculous, I'm only in my mid-twenties. But the body is starting to go a little bit, my face is changing some, and I am starting to get more gray hair. My Mom is on me all the time to start coloring it. Actually, I've been thinking about letting it go gray.

I'm considering picking up a second job. It would eat up some of this idle time I'm spending alone. I might actually make some new friends and the money certainly wouldn't hurt either. I've also thought about picking up some painting or pottery classes at the community arts center. I really need to get into something. Sitting around here isn't doing me much good.

2006-01-13T23:40:00.000-05:00

So I've decided to start blogging.

I'm not really sure about what exactly I have to offer people that might be interesting, but who cares. This is more about me than anybody else. I'm at an interesting point in my life and looking for some cheap therapy. So thanks for taking the time to listen to me. I think I'll have a seat on your couch over there.

So I was supposed to be getting married. My fiance (ex-fiance, actually) had done nothing but complain about the wedding for a couple of weeks straight. Finally, in one of our pre-marital counseling sessions a week or so before Christmas, I ask him if he wants to the cancel the wedding. Not so surprisingly, he answers "yes." Now mind you, this is the second wedding that he's backed out on me. I knew, before going into the counseling session, that if he said he wanted to call off the wedding this time it would be time for me to move out. A couple of days after he had confirmed my suspicions, I gave him back the engagement ring. I told him to hang on to it for when the time was right. I also told him that I would like to move out within the next month or so. He didn't seem to have any problem "postponing" the engagement, but was none too happy about the idea of my moving. However, he seemed to respect my decision and that was that.

Needless to say, the days that followed were awkward. He and I were rarely speaking. I went to my Mother's for the Christmas holiday and he to his parents. The Thursday after Christmas, he had left me a note in the kitchen advising me that I needed to be out of his house by the following week. He had also left boxes throughout the house for me to pack my things in. I was truly surprised. I guess I didn't expect him, who didn't want me to move out at all, to speed up the move to the following week.

That Thursday and Friday, I scrambled to find an apartment. By three o'clock on Friday, I had found a place close to my work and about an hour away from his home. I advised him Friday night that I had secured an apartment and was trying to rent a truck to move out that weekend. To be honest, I think he was shocked to hear that I had found a place so quickly.

Luckily, I was able to rent a truck the next day (no small feat on a New Year holiday weekend when most places are closed.) My ex stayed tucked away in the house, he didn't help with the move. I suppose that's understandable. I spent New Year's eve in my new apartment, alone. I had called my ex to see if he would like company for New Year's, but he declined.

When I returned to the house the next day to pick up some things that didn't fit in the truck, I asked him where we stood. He just replied that he wanted to take a "break." I asked him what that meant and he said "just that" and asked for my copy of the house key back.

In the days that followed, I would return to the house from time to time to collect the rest of my stuff. My ex didn't want to speak with me. As he found things of mine in the house, he would place them in the garage. I would notify/ask him via e-mail when I could come to pick them up. We would arrange a time and he would leave the garage unlocked for me.

That's about it. He's not speaking to me and I'm not completely sure what's going on. I have a pretty good idea that it's over. What I don't get, is how can someone turn off their emotions/feelings so easily. How do you go from marrying someone to kicking them out and refusing to speak to them within two weeks time?

I've tried to run this by friends/family. We've come up with various theories:

He left the note asking me to move to "call my bluff." He wanted to see my reaction to this and wasn't counting on me actually moving out.
He got cold feet and just wanted to stay engaged without setting and moving toward an actual wedding date for the time being.
He just doesn't know what he wants, period. (after all, he has backed out of two weddings.)
He never really wanted to get married at all. He just wanted someone to split the bills with.

I can honestly say, I'm not sure. I think my plan for now is to let this go another couple of weeks and then try to get ahold of him to talk things over.

In the meantime, I'm sitting on the floor in my half-empty apartment because I don't have any furniture.

Granted, it's been a couple of weeks since the move, but I think all of this is just starting to catch up with me now. I'm starting to worry about what he and I have done. I'm kinda wondering about what's going to happen to me. It's hard. You spend a year or so surrounding your life, your goals, your ideas of the future around this one person and then it's gone. I feel like I'm kinda going through some kind of identity crisis of sorts.